So, the big As are over and I haven't got a good feeling about it. I did try my best as in it's really the best I could achieve with my current level of knowledge, but somehow there's this tinge of regret. Regret that I haven't put in my utmost to study as hard as I could, but I know I can never be as diligent and as focused as I used to be. Studies have not been my priority ever since I began to look into more pressing issues which I feel would shape me in the future.

It's back to finding and veneering myself, but I haven't got a lot of time. I'm going in like 2 weeks later, but I know it would be another experience which would affect how I turn out in the future like all other times. I can't guarantee I would be happy and as much as I tell myself it would be good for me, sometimes I can't help but feel a little down. I really fear the unknown.

Just like 2 days ago when we caught 2012, I only truly felt scared when I saw the people falling into the abyss of darkness and when the wave almost crash into the frantic refugees. Scenes like this stir up the fear within me because they don't show what happened even though we all know there would only be deaths. Somehow I draw the parallel to my life - what happens next or is there no other choice?

Losing the ability to draw up and plan your own life, at least not for the next 2 years, is a really creepy situation. My mind is a blank. Sigh.

I spent the past few days thinking and watching documentaries I would call them. Records of real events and real experiences people have to go through to find themselves. There will always be this trough in their lives, which I believe is my current phase. Because these are movies with some alterations obviously, all endings almost hit off on a high chirpy note. I question myself actually, will such fairytale endings ever happen to me. In retrospect, perhaps not.

Speaking of which, I have no idea why I feel a sudden rush of chill when the weather is so humid and warm. Could it be that the flu bug have caught me too, please tell me no. Can't afford to fall sick now.

Back to reflections. I've learned I guess, to be more accommodating to others and to myself. I dare say I have matured progressively as I grew older but somehow, I've also become more inclined to depend on others. It's not a good thing really. At times I wished I still had that strong will to remain fully independent. My decisions waver now and then, and my resolutions begin to bite me in the back. What happened actually? Is this what they call the paradox of life.

Wish me luck as I embark on another treacherous path, to define my own beliefs and values. It's only truly then can I be worthy of loving and caring for someone. I know I've never been a good friend or a good son, and most importantly I've failed to be myself.