i'm shaken, but perhaps more of appalled rather at myself. i can't say it didn't cross my mind to help her. i did, but that hesitation showed a lot about myself. when she fell, everyone just stopped and stared, but no one went forward to attend to her. was it truly because they felt that they would not be able to render any help, or simply because they don't know her. i believe however, it was because the prelims mattered so much that it seemed perhaps in the rat race, basic humanity have been forgotten and i'm sorry to say i'm too part of this disorder. yes, i call it a deficiency.

it made me feverish. perhaps the revelation that i was so selfish, so unfeeling took me by surprise. perhaps i had always thought that though i find it difficult to express my emotions comfortably, i had always prided myself not to be one devoid of empathy. i was proven wrong. i don't want to grow up to be like this.

i worry, about how i would be in the future. i'm superficial. i can't deny that as much as i want to. i go for the appearance. i'm judgemental. i'm all the negativity that Pip embodies in his Great Expectations. i have no right to speak of defending human values when i can't even define my own beliefs. it makes me weak and i do not like that.

it's nearly 10hours more to econs p2 and i haven't done anything, contrary to what the others believe that i mug alot. sometimes i wonder does debasing others make one feel better? i would love to be an underdog too, and i know i'm guilty of this derangement but i still can't help but feel annoyed. i'm sorry mr lee though i doubt you would ever read this, but i might really get a U this time. i have been a bad student in class and now i refuse to study for prelims.

i'm scared, really, about not being able to find my identity in time.