okay, i expected myself to fail GP. i got 41/100. alright, lets hope the moderation is at least 4m so i can pass overall. somehow, english language paper hasn't been exactly a source of comfort in JC. i screwed mid years, and then promos again. come on, read up on more stuff u bummer, kyoto protocol, euthanasia etc.

i'm so tired. i'm sorry i'm gna sound vulgar because whoever came up with the idea of ability assessment through tests and examinations is a big time fucker. i hate it, not because i know my academics would suck, but because it screws up my entire life. the family link i had tried to established since my sister left and play the good nice son was completely shattered by the release of promo results. who doesn't want to do well? but not all parents react positively to lousy results, at least i can tell for sure mine do not. i haven't quarrelled with them since forever, but it all started yesterday when i announced econs and maths. i improved from mye, that called for some celebration, some appraisal. yes, but for like 10mins and then snap, the moment of glory is over. 'i got an overall of E for both because mye pulled down my marks.' a rush of negative comments came smashing onto my face. i felt overwhelmed, and slightly indignant. jc ain't easy, not to me for sure. i had the urge to shout 'if you're so smart, why don't u try doing JC subjects?' i didn't, because i was numbed, mentally. i didn't bother to defend myself, i dun see the need. their eyes were blinded by sheer greed for good results, they hadn't realize that and even till the extent of denying it verbally, 'no, i know our times are different...' but you dun practise what u preach.

i kept quiet. i listened to all your rantings. somehow, i began to recall. i thought i had decided long ago to wash my hands off the family, to not get involved. somehow life's really ironic, whenever i wanted to shun myself away, you get all friendly and warm towards me. i couldn't help but give in, to also try to treat you the same way. then life takes a turn again, the results aplomb and ta-da, family become enemies. i'm so sick, i have so much to say but i'm not the type to let anyone into the depths of my inner feelings. save it, i dun need any pity. if i could, i would have gone away long ago.

'so what if you fail? just take the R paper, what's the big deal?' man, that was the best line i've heard since the start of JC. i have this feeling that, this line would never have an effect on my life. it sounds good, but how practical or applicable is that?

i longed to smile, from my heart. i dun even recall when was the last time i really had a true great laugh. what's a real joke? i don't know. there are so many 'i don't know' right now. idk how am i going to continue walking down the path i've carved myself, or is there really a clear visible passage. idk how i am going to survive the next few years, or will i live that long. i dun mean suicidal, but alive with a whole mind, body and soul, but of cuz not that i really mind the literal death. idk if i can truly live life to the fullest, i wanna have control of my own life. mental cases. perhaps that's where ppl may find true salvation. is there truly utopia? i can't see it, not even a glimpse.

i sound like i'm walloping in self-pity and emoing. but i really need to pen down my thoughts, at least a fraction of it. i need to see that i'm alive, that my thoughts are still entrained. as i typed, an article entitled 'the end of race as we know it' lay before me. i couldn't help but think of racial genocide, drawing the link further onto the dysprosium of life.

my head hurts. i dun wna type anymore.