so, mye results are finally out. it has been a long wait, though i think i rather not get them back. anyway, results are as below:

General Paper: 22/50 (P1), 20/50 (P2) = 42/100 (S)
=> hmm, i really don't know what to say. i just feel my compo has been unjustly marked luh that's all. but it's too late to do anything, and i believe there's a good reason as to why i'm getting this grade, whether it's justified anot. but it has really woken me up, like a tight slap in the face. i was browsing through kaleidescope and true enough, my writing is nowehere near the standard, at least my knowledge is not comparable, not now for sure. high time to start reading, janard. it will do me good.

Mathematics H2: 35/100 (S)
=> lack of practice + concept uncertainty.

Geography H2: 32/50 (Physical) + 25/50 (Human) = 57/100 (D)
=> i actually felt quite happy with this grade becuz i have been getting S from in front. though i could have done better, i'm at least contented that studying do pay off, at least it gets me away from E, S and U.

Literature H2: 30/50 (PC) + 27/50 (Owen) + ? (D for now)
=> PC's marks actually came to as a shock and a surprise. Owen was disappointing. GE, i dun bear too high hopes. i just hope i can secure this D.

Economics H2: 7/30 (Section A) + 18/50 (Section B) = 31/100 (S)
=> horrible. i dun even know where i went wrong, cuz i actually din look through my paper. but i just feel really really disappointed that i went to study and get this kind of shitty grade. mr lee's words made me kinda ashamed how i've been wasting my life, how true that this mye is a foreshadowing of the danger i will be in during promos if i continue this parasitic lifestyle. but for now, i'm sick of econs.

3 S and 2 D(hopefully 2), ain't very promising mye results. it's a fact that i got to accept becuz i frankly haven been putting in as much effort as i should have done. perhaps it's only right i dun deserve a miracle during exams and scrape through. though this fall is painful, but i guess it's worth the slip. i was actually finally looking through my maths tutorial just now, becuz the most basic and required task i got to do now to help myself is to start doing tutorials, and at least pay attention to half or 3/4 of the lectures i attend.

on the other hand, i've been feeling really sick starting yesterday. it's physical and mental. i'm tired of the sleepless nights i had, and i'm tired of being envious of others. i feel so horrible becuz my friends score better than me, when i should be happy for them since we're friends and friends are supposed to be happy for each other. perhaps i over-rated my own abilities and underestimated others. this undesirable envy intensifies even more when others i always thought would do worse than me actually turn out to be a better scorer. though in the first place, i shouldn't even be belittling my own classmates, people whom i consider my friends, people in the class whom i said i love. i'm being selfish, i'm being a bastard i know. Schadenfreude. on top of lousy results, i can't believe i am actually feeling this. i wanted to comfort myself by thinking that 'yes, every1 feels this way. every1 hates being defeated.' but how true is this. surely, there are ppl who really treat friends wholeheartedly. i can't even match up to 1/5 of that magnanimity, how lame.

in addition, i thought i've had at least achieved 'indifference' regarding criticisms. in actual fact, i haven't and am nowehere near there. i felt so affected becuz some1 said 'you are so devious(in chinese)' when i was talking about others' results. i had the urge to rebut though i held back. what the person said was actually true, but i guess i just couldn't bear being condemned right in the face. i should and could have been more resilient and accept it truthfully, but idk why i still feel indignant. perhaps, that's just me. imbued with the 3 deadly sins - greed, envy and pride.