i just had dinner and i initiated this conversation with my mum (which i know is a stupid thing to do, talking abt academics always suck)abt mr najib telling charlotte that the jc1's avg grade for mye geog is E-S. den obviously they wouldn't understand grades, they want numbers, raw arabian numerals. so i said, S is 30 to 39, and E is 40-44. den they were of cuz talking abt how come the grades are so lousy. so i pointed out my view abt why i feel abt the results, abt how we ain't used to the exam questions styles blah blah, but obviously, my parents were quick to tink tt it will always be the child's fault that they score v badly(though yes to a large extent) instead of thinking of such other influential factors. actually i was quite irritated by how they always react like this so i said, 'u guys can attend college day and find out from the teachers for a more analytical and in-depth review'. that line actually worked, for they hadn't spoken much since. somehow, i was always dumb enough to discuss about academic results over the dinner table though i know it will turn sour.

it was after dinner when my dad came into the room and said(in chinese), 'u gotta take care of ur results...my health's not good...i dun think i can work v much longer, so when that time comes and we have no income...ur chances of rising to university(if i get in) will be affected'. i din know what to say, becuz i wasn't even sure of what i shld feel. frankly speaking, i wasn't much affected by his words. he walked away and my sister(who have been listening)appeared by the door and whispered in a whimpy and some-sort scared tone, 'did you hear that?'. i know she was concerned and sad abt what my dad said, i know and i shld be feeling that too, but i didn't. i always tot to myself how will i feel when(of cuz i wldn't wish for it to happen anytime soon)either of my parents pass away, i know i will be unhappy but to what an extent? i haven't been close to them since that incident, that stealing incident. i never approached them to discuss abt any problems or whatsoever, becuz i always felt they are biased towards my sister. till now, i still dun tink i'm wrong to think that, but it's undeniable that they do care abt me, abt educating me etc.

i feel grateful, but i know i'm not those who can live harmoniously with others. i dun not like to express love openly thru hugging, thru words, nor thru direct actions. but my parents expect me to do so at times, but it's rly not my style. for eg. my mum always wants me to ask abt my dad's health and wish him luck when i have knew abt it from her, but she just want to display that act of concern to my dad so that he will feel btr. maybe he will indeed feel loved and have a better day but it was so awkward to me. i feel off, teribly off not that i'm unwilling to(okay maybe a little) show that bit of affection, but to me, concern comes from the heart and soul and physical actions can never amount to that. loving and caring for some1 is not equals to being able to live cohesively with that some1. this applies to my family and i, i love them though i'm not close exactly but i know that arguments and disagreements would often arise becuz of our way of doing things, our way of thinking.

however, having understand all this, i still couldn't find the best approach to this problem. perhaps it's one of the flaws of how life is set, that not every problem has a viable and completely effective solution. time is a major consideration to solving problems, especially to mine. i can't, and i won't have the means to oh live by myself and visit my family ocassionally for meals for now. the problem will persist, but i have no choice. perhaps i'm just being stubborn by sticking to my own beliefs that i shouldn't do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable even though it brings abt joy to others. maybe i was so imbued with man's selfishness that i wouldn't give way to such a problem.

life sucks, terribly..