ahh shit. i'm losing the touch to study, i'm not keeping up with my schedule, i'm nt motivated to study anymore, i have nth 2 do at home as well, i juz dno what to do during the holidays. trouble. i didn't do differentiations yesterday, nor study 1theme for ss today. i merely slacked thru both days. i dun even bother to lift up my pen and make notes for my own studying comfort coz i'm nt even trying to study. i went to nlb yesterday to study alone, yes i tot i will accomplish more if i'm alone but the truth is, i can't even concentrate and settle down to even flip thru my books. but anyway, dun think i wna go nlb le, such a torture to wake up at 7.30am every sunday and go queue up, den rush in like some fool when the door opens. i shld choose somewhere where food is readily available too to cut down on meal time, like some fast food restaurant? yoshinoya, mac, kfc etc la, shall decide next time la. and pls, some1 pls juz motivate me to study, or gimme a reason to study, i dun wna screw my prelims or Os.

this is random. i had nth to do so i browsed thru my report book and the comments were: [my name] is a responsible chairman... but it kept me thinking. what makes me a responsible chairman? is the definition of a responsible chairman= taking class diary everyday, taking attendance every morning, took stuff from pigeon hole and distribute to class? but all chairmans are doing that, so by right all chairmans are responsible then but why are there still some complaints abt some chairmans nt being responsible. what exactly is the meaning by responsible chairman? what i do is juz what i'm supposed to do, u can't exactly say i'm responsible coz that's what expected frm me in exchange for the 2 cca pts i desperately wants. i feel i'm nt even a good chairperson, i'm supposed to remain neutral in all affairs of class quarrels or whatsoever but i dun, i may not have shown it but i do take sides. i'm supposed to care abt the welfare of the class but i adopted a policy of isolation this yr, i didn't know why but i'm not comfortable with big grps anymore, i prefer small nifty quieter grps. anyway when ms kwek scolded me on friday for not completing my essay(not even a word was written) and i'm not setting a good example, i felt both guilty and angry. true indeed, it's part of my job to do it even if i'm juz a member of the class and not part of any commitee, but i didn't do becoz i juz dun feel like doing instead of i rly cnt do it due to medical reasons. i know i haven been a good class rep.

the political backstabbing issue is truly tiring me out. i really tried my best to just forget it, i tried to remain oblivious but i get infuriated sometimes when i think of it. however it also dwelled to me that this is life, i will be facing this kind of problems when i go to work in the future, if i can't even handle this kind of stuff which is only at an elementary level, how else can i survive in the society when i grow up. but these problems surfacing at such a young age is really torturous, i can't even live a few mre years in innocence and believe that every1 do not harbour any ill intentions or they really mean it when they say frens forever. ironically, it fits singapore's policy in preparing the youth for work in the future. indeed, i will know what to expect in the future huh.