http://allgoneawry.wordpress.com/

I'm unsatisfied with my current way of living. Well it is inconvenient for me to list the details but most people would know what I am referring to.

I have yet to find that glisten in life right now to motivate me and keep me going, to point out that yes I'm in the right direction. It has yet to appear, and dictatorships and mundane routines overwhelm me right now. It feels like being entrapped in an intangible fray of mist and having to find my way out by bumping around and searching aimlessly. It doesn't feel good. Perhaps the physical wounds are a manifestation of my mind, bruised and lacerated. These 5 days acted as a temporal catharsis for me, and I'm so annoyed that it's ending soon. No worries, another 3 more days to such an escapism again.

You might say that I'm weak, yes I am but I really need that beacon in my life. I don't like sitting around for a few hours anticipating for the worst to occur. What made me even more disillusioned is seeing the extent some people are willing to go to just to save their own asses even at the expense of their own moral conscience. It's disturbing.

School is heaven.

愛無愧

耀眼金色的包装
你今天好比如一束花
明天这一刻璀璨吗
拆开金色的包装
我今天应该能看到吧
谁故意去诱惑
沉迷难逃吗
或者心里就似是有鬼
越想触碰越要学放低
有一种忌讳是一世
什么亦能摧毁　Hmm Hmm
或者可以自我控制
别理会世间引诱艳丽
谁可以
就算得到身边一切
然而仍能无愧
就怪当天不小心
那一丝的差错已送魂
连带了今天的处分
结果一早应该知道
竟胆敢一试太过分
忘记有过快乐
如毫无良心
为了需要甚至献计
在这乱世间引诱艳丽
如果你妄想得到身边一切
对错任你控制

I feel the need to blog now! No actually I was just kidding, it's just something I told myself I would do the day before I enlist hahaha. That's lame, but hey I will think of something to write. Here goes. Erm.

Since everyone's saying that this is my 'last week' no matter how much I try to explain that mine really isn't THAT bad, I shall accept that ominous term. I kinda enjoyed my last week by meeting with all the important people in my life that makes me happy - A14, Grace (I told you guys we should totally get a name, it's so hard to blog!) & half of Violence (those unfeeling ones! I shall blacklist them totally. Yes you Estelle, Ah Pa, Eunice and Momo.)

Actually I admit I've been pretty jumpy here and there this week, and I thought it would get worst especially today but somehow, it didn't and surprisingly here in front of the computer I am calm, I think. Maybe I had this epiphany while I was asleep, because the anxiety disappeared when I woke up this morning, or was it replaced by the migraine? Whatever it is, I think I can go in with a positive mindset, at least for tomorrow haha.

The truth is I've been thinking about the what if I enlisted sometime later. What would I be doing. I know for sure I would hang out on some days, but what about the others. I wouldn't be disciplined enough to find a job or to pack my stuff or to attend enrichment lessons or to learn a new skill or two and definitely I won't be picking up my lazy bones to train. Somehow, perhaps a 5-day-training-and-1.5 day-rest hectic schedule would make me appreciate life better, and probably more healthy and enriching. At least they promote the practice of sleeping and waking up early.

A thought just flashed across my mind, or rather a voice whispered into my ear. Remember I will not be sleeping on that alien bedsheet for the next 10 days and I would not be waking up at my own pace and reach out for the blue button to start up the PC. The calmness within me shriveled a little, and I felt a cringe. Perhaps this would be a test for me. Haven't I always wanted to be independent. This could jolly well determine if I'm ready to live on my own, or have I been taking things for granted like readily-available breakfast for instance.

As I've said before. It would be a tough one, especially the 1st few days. I kept telling myself I would bear it all, and it would be over soon. But who knows. I want to live up to that strong-willed and determined person I've always advocated myself to be.

Ah well, it's really 1030pm already - the official sleeping time stated on the handbook. So adios. See you all next friday. I'm off to the rehabilitation center to get rid of the technological withdrawal symptoms.

Lastly thank you, my bubble was completely burst. I'm almost out of my delusions.

So, the big As are over and I haven't got a good feeling about it. I did try my best as in it's really the best I could achieve with my current level of knowledge, but somehow there's this tinge of regret. Regret that I haven't put in my utmost to study as hard as I could, but I know I can never be as diligent and as focused as I used to be. Studies have not been my priority ever since I began to look into more pressing issues which I feel would shape me in the future.

It's back to finding and veneering myself, but I haven't got a lot of time. I'm going in like 2 weeks later, but I know it would be another experience which would affect how I turn out in the future like all other times. I can't guarantee I would be happy and as much as I tell myself it would be good for me, sometimes I can't help but feel a little down. I really fear the unknown.

Just like 2 days ago when we caught 2012, I only truly felt scared when I saw the people falling into the abyss of darkness and when the wave almost crash into the frantic refugees. Scenes like this stir up the fear within me because they don't show what happened even though we all know there would only be deaths. Somehow I draw the parallel to my life - what happens next or is there no other choice?

Losing the ability to draw up and plan your own life, at least not for the next 2 years, is a really creepy situation. My mind is a blank. Sigh.

I spent the past few days thinking and watching documentaries I would call them. Records of real events and real experiences people have to go through to find themselves. There will always be this trough in their lives, which I believe is my current phase. Because these are movies with some alterations obviously, all endings almost hit off on a high chirpy note. I question myself actually, will such fairytale endings ever happen to me. In retrospect, perhaps not.

Speaking of which, I have no idea why I feel a sudden rush of chill when the weather is so humid and warm. Could it be that the flu bug have caught me too, please tell me no. Can't afford to fall sick now.

Back to reflections. I've learned I guess, to be more accommodating to others and to myself. I dare say I have matured progressively as I grew older but somehow, I've also become more inclined to depend on others. It's not a good thing really. At times I wished I still had that strong will to remain fully independent. My decisions waver now and then, and my resolutions begin to bite me in the back. What happened actually? Is this what they call the paradox of life.

Wish me luck as I embark on another treacherous path, to define my own beliefs and values. It's only truly then can I be worthy of loving and caring for someone. I know I've never been a good friend or a good son, and most importantly I've failed to be myself.

i can't say consternation hasn't struck me yet because it had.

the big scary As are coming but i'm not the least worried and motivated. just stab me already. i need to focus and get back on track. by the time i am fully awake, maybe the two weeks would have come and pass within the blink of an eye.

i have no idea what to expect when i enlist. i fear the unknown. being out of control breeds trepidation in my heart, like a haunting conscience.

the jitters are tangible while aversion and uneasiness gripe my insides. i can hear them lurching, literally. the stomach flu has just worsened recently. i need to see a doctor.

i guess my unsettling heart stems more from other source(s) though. it's that inner desire and yearning i had always wished for but never granted the chance to embrace it. i used to comfort myself that it will come along naturally but, i'm really confused. i tried finding my way but ended up colliding with every possible obstacle.

the truth is, everyone gets enervated one day and that's when they crumble.

i wish it would happen now.

i can't take my eyes off you.

i'm gonna be a policeman on 8th december.

how fast is it.

it's really the last lap, as much as i want to live in self-denial but, it's true. aww. what we have been culminating for the past 2 years is finally coming to haunt us.

i am. scared. the fear stems mostly from my laid-back attitude, how i can't ever get fully energized and put in my best effort. no regrets, easier said than done.

the interim has been great, a real break which never seemed enough. everyday has been spent fruitfully, isolated from the dreaded books and notes and all. perfect.

thurs - thaipan after nearly a year + cheap apparel hunting. simple but enjoyable.
friday - F&C glasshouse + orchard ion + fame at cine = a hole in my pocket but it's the company that matters.
sat - NUA!
sun - family + hello london.
mon - frantic goofing for red hot bikini + gu niang accessories.
tues - marina again cause give ruth some face.

ah. back to mugging starting tml. oh wait, did i forget to mention it's a continual series of results return-fire. everybody duck!